The Game 5 experience.

Have I mentioned I love watching this team?

On game days, I’m worthless at work. I want to be productive, but everyone at the office knows I won’t be. Perhaps that’s why I drew the assignment of driving the window expert to the pool house at a local neighborhood for an inspection.

The expert was an evangelical Christian from Chicago. Our contact to open the pool house was a retired English professor who specialized in, and I’m not kidding, profanity. Apparently, he’d written two books on the subject.

Strange as that was, it was only a small part of the weirdness that was Tuesday. I got home in time to receive a phone call from my boss. I, like many of you, am an associate….whatever that means. Today, it means I have four bosses. The highest ranking of my bosses called me to ask if I could send him text messages during the game. He’s on a school board somewhere. Apparently, there is a statute that says they have to meet.

Sure, I’ll text the boss.

I watch Weaver the way you watch Weaver. I keep waiting for the Weaver that has shown up in every game he’s pitched for the Cards this year. I keep waiting for the five run fourth, or the three run homer. It hasn’t come. Still, I’m convinced that’s a coincidence when I’m watching him pitch.

Today, however, Jeff Kellogg was only calling pitches over the plate strikes. You want to make some money? Start a fantasy baseball web site that rates umpires, and tells you when Jeff Kellogg is behind the plate. Glavine would go 5-15 if this guy was his ump every game. Advantage Weaver.

I loved the Fox Track on that pitch in the first inning when Eckstein was stealing. McCarver did about five minutes about how LoDuca had not given the umpire a good look at the pitch, and, if LoDuca hadn’t thrown to second, the ball would have been called a strike. Followed by the Fox Track showing the pitch so much a ball that it was off the charts.

McCarver gets paid for this.

The Valentin double was exactly the sort of hit you expect off Weaver. Only it was all he’d give the Mets. Amazing.

Everyone has been talking about Albert, and his “struggles.” No runs batted in, they say. No runners on, I say.

The Mets have scored in ten innings in this series. The Cards have come back to score in seven of the following half-innings. Gutty. Purely Gutty.

Albert was up in the half-inning after the Mets’ two run outburst. He nailed it.
Or, as my 3-year-old would say, “A lo profundo... y no... nono, nono, no...! ¡Dígale que no a esa pelota!" The boy loves him some Ernesto Jerez.

I immediately, and dutifully, texted the boss to tell him. “thankyou” he wrote back. When Wilson doubled, I think he was really stunned. “Wow,” he sent to me. It was tied.

You know the rest. The Cards loaded the bases and failed to score. However, I was convinced the game was about to break. So I started typing into my phone what each player did. “Albert walked, Encarnacion singled to load them up. Rolen k’d. Edmonds grounded into a force at home. Belliard " So much detail.

Then I stopped typing. I figured, if Belliard comes through, then I’ll complete the text, and send the greatest message to a school board member ever. If Belliard fails, I’ll simply delete.

Belliard failed. I went for the delete key.

I hit send.

Now read that message again, and you'll know why I'm taking empty boxes to work tomorrow.

I immediately sent another message letting the boss know what Belliard did. I got a reply that the bosses meeting was done, and my messages no longer were required. I’m getting fired.

After the Cards tied it, I realized I actually had to fold that laundry that had been sitting in the drier for three days, or I would risk certain expulsion from the house. I called a fellow sufferer, Jason, and we chatted as I watched the sixth and folded.

Only Jason has cable. I have DirecTv. Jason has the game 8 seconds before me. As we watch the top of the 6th, Jason keeps making comments like, “damnit” when Valentin walked. And “Yes,” when Chavez took a strike. Only I didn’t know how bad the “damnit” or the “Yes” was. I told Jason I was 8 seconds behind, and I was being deprived of my watching experience.

He said it was in his cable contract to do this to me.

When Chavez grounded out, Jason yelled, “Nooooooooooooo.”

“Bastard,” I replied, when I saw the actual result.

In the bottom of the sixth, I convinced him to try to adjust his TiVo to sync with me. He tried. He was still trying when Duncan hit that homer. “Yes,” I screamed, as Duncan hit a Lefty Pitch out. “Bastard,” Jason said when he saw he had rewound too far.

It’s in my contract.

Tony LaRussa is having an unbelievable post-season. I suppose you could make a blind pig joke here. But really. He’s been amazing. Tonight, he pinch-hits Duncan against a lefty pitcher. He benches Duncan against lefties in favor of Taguchi, normally.

This was TLR’s “Lou Brown” moment, pitching Wild Thing Vaughn against Clue Haywood in Major League.“I know he hasn’t had much luck against this guy, but I got a hunch he’s due.”
Jeez. It worked. Mets fans have to be insanely upset.

To add insult to injury, Cliff Floyd pinch hits in the ninth. He grounds to Pujols, and it’s pulled hammy v. torn Achilles to the bag….and pulled hammy wins. I swear Albert raced Floyd to the bag just to put more stress on Floyd. Nice.

And one guy in New York was excited. One guy in a hotel. Yep. He threw his first side bullpen session in a month on Monday, and found his curveball. He can bring the Cards, the 83-78 Cards, to the World Series.

Carpenter, the hill is yours. Take us home.